Gone too soon.

Death is a crazy thing. Sometimes people wish for it to happen. Sometimes people are afraid of it happening. Sometimes it just happens.  This week my cousin died. He took his own life.

  I wasn't close to my cousin, but I wanted to be. When we were very young we were very close, almost best friend close!  When I was about eight, our parents just stopped talking. I'm not even sure why. Some silly thing that adults disagree on. Who knows?

As I grew older I would think about my cousin and his sister often. I would wonder if they liked the same things as my brother and I did. I would look for them when we went to a mall or movie theatre in their city. On chance meetings at my grandfather's house I would try to get as much info about them as I could. I even remember having a phone conversation with them when I was about 16 revolving around rock groups, school and part time jobs.

As an adult we started to see eachother at funerals.  We had lots to talk about, of course in a very awkward setting. We updated eachother on weddings and babies and jobs. We talked about older relatives and shared stories of growing up,  reflecting on our memories. We became facebook friends which allowed even more sharing to happen.

The other day I had a notification on facebook from his sister. She sent me a private message telling me that her brother had passed away. I was shocked! How many 41 year old men just "die"?  I asked if it was expected. He did look a little thin at my Mom's funeral. Was he ill?  He took his own life.

I have so many regrets.  I don't even know my cousin well enough to speculate why. He seemed to be living a dream life. A great job as a head chef at a fancy restaurant. A fondness for golf and fishing. A loving sister and nephew. A Mom who supports him.

Why?Just why?

We may never know.

I miss you cousin. I hope that you are in peace. I hope that you are with your Dad, my Mom and our Grandparents. Until we meet again.....xxoo

Call it like it is

    Ok, I'm just going to come out and say it, I'm a nympho. I'm not ashamed. Well not of that anyways. I remember the first time someone called me that. It was more in play, but it was a term that did describe me to a "T".  Someone who just couldn't get enough of sex, of foreplay, of affection , of whatever.  The problem was that I was only 15 years old at the time.

      I had this older boyfriend who was with me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Lots of time to fit in extra -curicular activities.  His parents were hardly ever home. Opportunities were endless.  My parents were so trusting, or was that permissive? Maybe a little of both. When we weren't at his family's apartment taking baths together or watching beta-max movies on his waterbed, we were with my family. A family that grew to accept my boyfriend like he was their own. Help him with homework, pay for vacations, contact lenses, trips at school.  Give him all of the home-cooked meals, rides here and there and attention that he had never been given growing up.  It was the best of both worlds! Romanic escapades/ Family events and trips.  Dates, dances,  endless summer nights and a diamond engagement ring. Chores, family fun and responsibilities.  My boyfriend taught me so much, so soon. He also bonded with my brother, my dog and my parents to a point that it was like grieving a death when we broke up. I grieved that death for many years, too afraid to get hurt again. I wouldn't let anyone else near me.

    I heard "our song" on the TV last night and a flood of emotions came swarming back. I remembered all of the good times that we had. How close we had been. What he meant to my family.   I also remembered "those endless summer nights" and how he knew me inside and out.How easy it was for him to make me climax.  I secretly long for that. Maybe not for "him", but just for that feeling.  Yes I am married. Yes my husband and I must have done something right as we have 4 kids together.  Maybe it's the fact that my husband's meds have rendered him impotent that has caused this "stirring" in me. Maybe it's hormones?  For the first time ever I'm starting to see why "Ashley Madison" exists.  Maybe that is what I'm ashamed of.

Don't ever say "What else could go wrong".

Ok, It's been awhile since I've blogged here. So much has happened. I think that everything must happen for a reason. I'm not sure why everything must happen all at once. In one year I've had 2 children have major surgeries and my husband has lost his job. We've been job searching for months and months with nothing. Just when you think that maybe things might turn around for my family......... My Mom has been ill since December. She's sort of had this lingering cough. The Dr. did some tests and discovered a mass in her lungs. She's been referred to a specialist and he's pretty positive that it is cancer. Major tests and surgeries will come within the next month. I feel so bad for her. I don't want to see her go through all of this. I feel really bad that we are living with my parents and with four children here she will not have a great quiet place to recover. I'm really scared. I want her to be around to spend time with my children. Although she's had 10 and 12 years with the first two, the second two are only 3 and 18 months. They need to be able to remember her. Please pray for her wellness.

samsara

Why do things keep repeating themselves? Things which happened to me as a child seem to be happening again as an adult. I would like to isolate myself, my family from the world. I feel alien. Maybe I am an alien? Funny.

Bullies. That's what they are. Maybe I'm a bully too. Hard to say. I mean, I do enjoy an odd joke at certain people's expenses with my closest pals. I guess I'm no better than the very people who hurt me the most. Trust no one. Everyone is the same.

It kinda reminds me of reviewing a Simon and Garfunkel song in Grade 9. "A rock feels no pain, an island never cries. I touch no one and no one touches me." I am trying so hard to not let this happen.

I have hardened over the years. I do mourn the loss of my "old" self. I was always very shy, maybe for good reasons. I was a sensitive girl, I always thought of others before myself. Everyone thought I was sweet and kind. Lots of people made fun of me. I feel helpless when I see the same kind of thing happen to my girls. I cannot believe that my girls have to endure the same kind of pain which I went through.

I also cannot believe that I as an adult still have to put up with the redicule & torture of bullying from women(and men) my own age. One of the strange things is that many of my previous bullies from my childhood , happen to live in my neighbourhood with their kids. Our children now attend the same school. These bullies tell my horrid detailed past to new faces who eventually join in on the fun of the bullying. I try to be a role model to my kids and show them how to deal with this situation, but in the end I still have difficulty standing up to them.

Recently I have been bullied on cyberspace. It's just one woman. She is a parent at our school. We are both on the parent council. I cannot remember a time where I have treated her poorly. For some reason she attacks me on facebook every chance that she gets. I am afraid to delete her for fear that it will cause more drama. I cannot believe that I feel so paralized on my own facebook profile. I fear that she waits on my next status update like her next meal.

OK, so maybe I'm obsessing just a tad about all of this. I just wonder what she's teaching her kids by acting this way. Then again, what am I teaching mine by not reacting appropriately and putting a stop to this once and for all.

Earthquake in Ontario?

We just had a scary earth tremor. We've had smaller ones here before, but not like this. It just shook the whole house for at least 2 minutes. My brother felt it and he is an hour away from us. I hope that there isn't some new fault line in Ontario. Wierd!

Blog, Blog, Blog

I have so much to blog, the question is where to start? I think the real reason I decided to start this blog was that I need an outlet to vent. I was periodically venting on my facebook page which (as I found out) can be quite embarassing and dangerous. Not that I have anything against facebook. I'll be the first to admit to my addiction and hours upon hours of my time needlessly scouring pages of lost friends and loved ones(and ones I loved and didn't know that I existed).

I think that my panic really set in last night. I logged on to facebook and checked my newsfeed like I always do. A few weeks ago, I had found out that a teacher at my kids' school happened to be friends with one of my friends. Well that was the beginning of a terrible addiction for me. The teacher had left her privacy settings WIDE open. I could read her wall, see her birthday(which she happens to share with me), see the answers she got wrong on the family feud games, pictures of her kid etc and posts from friends (fellow teachers at our school). I was a little shocked that a "Teacher" would be so careless about so much personal information. My privacy settings are set up to the max with only my friends viewing things. I've even considered going through my friends individually and deciding as to whether they are "worthy" enough to see my status updates, photos, friends etc. This teacher for some reason intrigued me. I started following her posts and eventually noticed that she was commenting on things which happened at our school. She would joke that none of the students in her class were very bright and fellow teachers would complain about their students calling them smelly and lazy. This was a new addiction for me. I would check her page at least a couple of times a week.
I must admit that it did make me feel uncomfortable when I would see this teacher at school interacting with her students. It gave me insight as to what kind of a person she really is and how she really feels about the kids that she teaches. A few times I wished that I could tell her how I felt about her commenting on how she felt that the students at our school wouldn't become future leaders of our country. It bothered me to know that she dreaded meeting the parents on open house night. It really made me upset to know that 3 or 4 other teachers were joking online about personal happenings of the students for everyone to see.
I guess the right thing to do would've been to maybe approach her and mention that she must have by mistake left her privacy settings open. Maybe I should've approached the principal on the issue. Better than that, maybe I should've stopped looking weeks ago.
Last night I searched her name and like clockwork her page appeared and I read her daily happenings. I decided to check back a little later and when I did............it was gone. She finally set her privacy to max. Now I'm left to wonder, did she find me out? Is there some new facebook application which tells her who viewed her page and how many times. She might think that I'm a stalker(I'm not sure that I'm not).
When I logged on today, I discovered that I can see her page again. What happened? Is she testing me?
I can't take it anymore. I blocked her.

Welcome to my Galaxy

Hello out there in cyberspace! I've decided to create this blog to share with everyone the trials, tribulations and triumphs of my world. I hope that readers will get a sense of who "Grace" is, was, would like to be and maybe "Grace" will find a sense of who she is through her writings as well. I can't promise that the blog will be enlightening or even entertaining. I guess I'll let the readers take what they want from it as we travel through life together. Bon Voyage!