samsara

Why do things keep repeating themselves? Things which happened to me as a child seem to be happening again as an adult. I would like to isolate myself, my family from the world. I feel alien. Maybe I am an alien? Funny.

Bullies. That's what they are. Maybe I'm a bully too. Hard to say. I mean, I do enjoy an odd joke at certain people's expenses with my closest pals. I guess I'm no better than the very people who hurt me the most. Trust no one. Everyone is the same.

It kinda reminds me of reviewing a Simon and Garfunkel song in Grade 9. "A rock feels no pain, an island never cries. I touch no one and no one touches me." I am trying so hard to not let this happen.

I have hardened over the years. I do mourn the loss of my "old" self. I was always very shy, maybe for good reasons. I was a sensitive girl, I always thought of others before myself. Everyone thought I was sweet and kind. Lots of people made fun of me. I feel helpless when I see the same kind of thing happen to my girls. I cannot believe that my girls have to endure the same kind of pain which I went through.

I also cannot believe that I as an adult still have to put up with the redicule & torture of bullying from women(and men) my own age. One of the strange things is that many of my previous bullies from my childhood , happen to live in my neighbourhood with their kids. Our children now attend the same school. These bullies tell my horrid detailed past to new faces who eventually join in on the fun of the bullying. I try to be a role model to my kids and show them how to deal with this situation, but in the end I still have difficulty standing up to them.

Recently I have been bullied on cyberspace. It's just one woman. She is a parent at our school. We are both on the parent council. I cannot remember a time where I have treated her poorly. For some reason she attacks me on facebook every chance that she gets. I am afraid to delete her for fear that it will cause more drama. I cannot believe that I feel so paralized on my own facebook profile. I fear that she waits on my next status update like her next meal.

OK, so maybe I'm obsessing just a tad about all of this. I just wonder what she's teaching her kids by acting this way. Then again, what am I teaching mine by not reacting appropriately and putting a stop to this once and for all.

Earthquake in Ontario?

We just had a scary earth tremor. We've had smaller ones here before, but not like this. It just shook the whole house for at least 2 minutes. My brother felt it and he is an hour away from us. I hope that there isn't some new fault line in Ontario. Wierd!