Gone too soon.

Death is a crazy thing. Sometimes people wish for it to happen. Sometimes people are afraid of it happening. Sometimes it just happens.  This week my cousin died. He took his own life.

  I wasn't close to my cousin, but I wanted to be. When we were very young we were very close, almost best friend close!  When I was about eight, our parents just stopped talking. I'm not even sure why. Some silly thing that adults disagree on. Who knows?

As I grew older I would think about my cousin and his sister often. I would wonder if they liked the same things as my brother and I did. I would look for them when we went to a mall or movie theatre in their city. On chance meetings at my grandfather's house I would try to get as much info about them as I could. I even remember having a phone conversation with them when I was about 16 revolving around rock groups, school and part time jobs.

As an adult we started to see eachother at funerals.  We had lots to talk about, of course in a very awkward setting. We updated eachother on weddings and babies and jobs. We talked about older relatives and shared stories of growing up,  reflecting on our memories. We became facebook friends which allowed even more sharing to happen.

The other day I had a notification on facebook from his sister. She sent me a private message telling me that her brother had passed away. I was shocked! How many 41 year old men just "die"?  I asked if it was expected. He did look a little thin at my Mom's funeral. Was he ill?  He took his own life.

I have so many regrets.  I don't even know my cousin well enough to speculate why. He seemed to be living a dream life. A great job as a head chef at a fancy restaurant. A fondness for golf and fishing. A loving sister and nephew. A Mom who supports him.

Why?Just why?

We may never know.

I miss you cousin. I hope that you are in peace. I hope that you are with your Dad, my Mom and our Grandparents. Until we meet again.....xxoo